Comparison – The Thief of Joy

The quote “comparison is the thief of joy” has always resonated with me, but even more so since becoming a special needs parent. Some of my lowest points are when I give in to the temptation to compare our lives and Gage’s abilities with other families and kids. So I try to avoid that. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Luckily, one thing that hasn’t stolen any of my joy is having another child.

When I was pregnant with Caleb, I worried that it would be hard to watch him develop at a typical pace, and surpass Gage’s skill level. But that hasn’t been the case at all. Each one of Caleb’s accomplishments is celebrated and truly makes me happy, nothing else. It’s been amazing to watch him learn and grow. But one of the most amazing things to watch is the way Caleb interacts with his big brother.

These boys already have an incredible bond. Both their faces light up when they see the other one. Lately, Caleb has been into giving “kisses” or at least his version of them. He will lean in to give Gage a smooch, then just giggle and giggle. Gage eats it up. Of course, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes Caleb leans in for a kiss, then proceeds to smack Gage in the face or grab a fistful of his hair. There are moments of jealousy, when Gage is in my lap and Caleb wants to be, or when Caleb has my full attention and Gage protests.

I still have my own moments of jealousy too. Although it’s been easy for me to keep from comparing my kids to each other, it’s harder to for me not to compare my life to other parents. Maybe jealousy is the wrong word and self-pity is a more accurate description. It’s not like I sit around wishing that I had someone else’s life. I love our little family just the way we are. I know without the struggles and experiences we’ve had, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Whether it’s self-pity, jealousy or something else, comparing my life to others definitely has the potential to steal my joy if I let it.

This morning was a perfect example of that. Evan and I were sitting in the hospital, waiting for Gage to get through his Dysport procedure. I reflected on some different treatment options we had just discussed with his neurologist, overwhelmed by what seems like such drastic measures. I complained to Evan that most parents don’t have to make decisions about whether or not their kids should have surgery to sever nerves in their spinal cord. As the words came out of my mouth, the tears welled up in my eyes. At that very moment, the doctor and nurse returned to let us know they were finished and Gage did great. That good news was enough to stop my tears in their tracks and bring a smile to my face instead. I’m so glad that my pity party was cut short. Rather than comparing the decisions we have to make with those of other parents, we just need to focus on Gage. All we can do is try to make the best choices we can for him. To care for him and love him the best way we know how. After all, isn’t that what all parents try to do for their children?

Gage’s life will look much different than most kids. His experience and development won’t look like his little brother’s. And that’s ok. I can still find so much joy in celebrating each of their accomplishments, even though they are drastically different. My experience as their mom won’t be typical either. Hopefully I’ll avoid the trap of comparison to other parents and focus on joy instead.