Living in the Present

Earlier this week a good friend reminded me of a simple concept—living in the present. It’s something that I’d been reflecting on recently and her words were a good reinforcement. Lately I’ve been thinking about the early days when Gage was just a tiny baby and there were so many unknowns. Maybe it’s because he’s got a birthday approaching and the years seem to by flying by, or because June is CMV Awareness Month which always reminds me of the feelings I had when first learning about Gage’s diagnosis.  Whatever the reason, baby Gage has been filling my thoughts lately. When he was born, although I had no idea what his future looked like, I hoped for and expected the best. I was just sure that he’d have early challenges, and then Gage would overcome every obstacle he faced in due time and live a normal life like any other child. Of course I was worried as we learned more and more about congenital CMV and how it can affect children, but I was also just caught up in the awesomeness of being a mom and the joy that comes along with a brand new life…a sweet snuggly baby.

I remember when we first learned Gage’s diagnosis how Evan would pour over online research to learn all he could about possible outcomes. I think he was trying to find a way to fix what was wrong. I admired how proactive and invested he was, but I avoided the same kind of research because when I read about the broad spectrum of scenarios, I’d be overcome with grief and fear. Sometimes I’d give in to the temptation late at night when I couldn’t sleep or to pass time in the waiting room at a doctor’s office in an effort to figure out what concerns that specialist might have regarding my son. It always tended to cause a downward spiral. The results from my internet searches didn’t quite match up with my vision of Gage’s triumphant future. Thankfully, though, when I reflect on the beginning of Gage’s life, my memories of happiness and love for my baby far outweigh those of crying myself to sleep or moments of worry and panic.

I remember telling Evan when Gage was an infant that we should just enjoy him the way he was at that very moment without trying to solve or figure out the future because that might be the most “normal” our life ever felt. It’s funny how normal is a relative term. Each step of the way, through each stage of our journey, life has somehow morphed into our version of normal. We hum along in our routine and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes the next step isn’t quite clear, and sometimes it’s more like a leap of faith. There have been low spots and dark times, and there may be more in store for us. But so far we haven’t stopped moving forward, or gone in the wrong direction.

Taking my friend’s advice to heart, I want to make every effort to soak up the joy and the good things while we have a chance. To live in the present and appreciate all the moments we’re in and what our reality is like today, rather than harboring feelings of regret over the past or fear for the future. In the same way I reflect on Gage’s early days with fond memories of all his baby goodness, someday I’ll probably think back to this age and miss things about it. Like the way he fits so nicely in my lap, or his delight over reading a bedtime story, or how he immediately poses and gets a huge grin on his face just at the sight of my cell phone camera. Gage and his little brother Caleb truly do fill my life with so many good things. I’ve got to remember to be mindful of those and not be too distracted to let them slip by.