October 2017 – Wingin' It

October 25, 2017November 27, 2019

One of Those Days

It’s been one of those days. One of those really, really good days when I feel loved and personally cared for by my Creator. I was driving to pick up Gage from school earlier and I looked in the rearview mirror to see Caleb making adorable faces from the back seat. I felt overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude. Usually when we hear someone talking about “one of those days” it has a negative connotation, but today for me is exactly the opposite.

I keep encountering reminders from my Heavenly Father of just how awesome his love is for us, and not just for “us” but for me, on a personal level. I’ve teared up a couple times today, but in the best way. In the car earlier, the song on the radio was “Control” by Tenth Avenue North. Just the idea that God wants us had such an impact on me in that moment. I was contemplating how things tend to fall into place, for Gage and in other areas of our life, even though all we can see at first is the big, scary problems. A great reminder to trust in God’s control.

Later in the day, I came across this awesome video from fellow Springfieldian Jeff Houghton with a powerful reminder that we can all do something where we are. Our dreams don’t necessarily have to take us to a different place geographically, but, wow, do they have the potential to take us to a new place within ourselves. Dreams can seem like such a grand idea that sometimes I think we discredit the small ways our lives can change by the paths we choose, regardless of how “ordinary.” When I first watched the video it made me tear up (it’s really good, you guys) but I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. I think what I really love about it is the sense of empowerment that you can make a difference right where you are.

Who knew I could say I’m living my dreams simply by being a mom to 2 amazing boys? That these adorable, stubborn, hard-working cuties could fulfill yogurt paint desires I didn’t even know I had. And that our journey would give me the opportunity to share and connect with so many great people. A few days ago someone gave me some wonderful advice, telling me to expect good things. It really struck me, and he said he meant it and it was a lesson that took him a lot of years to learn. What a simple and lovely philosophy to adopt! I’m forever grateful for these little nuggets of encouragement and basking in the glow of another “one of those days.”

October 18, 2017October 18, 2021

Intense

Gage is finishing up his third and final week of intensive physical therapy. I can’t believe how quickly 3 weeks have flown by, and Gage has been surprising me every day with his progress.

A few months ago, I asked our pediatrician to make a referral for therapy. As we transitioned out of First Steps and were no longer receiving weekly therapies in our home, I thought anything extra we could do for Gage would be good. At an initial evaluation, the therapists started talking about intensive therapy. I assumed that meant 2 or 3 times a week. When they explained that it’s 3-4 weeks for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, I think my jaw may have dropped!

The idea was totally new to me, and I was worried about trying to do too much. I told them I didn’t know how Gage could do school, feeding therapy and that much extra PT on top of it all, especially since he still needs an afternoon nap. They explained it might work best to take some time off school so Gage could use his best hours in the mornings for the hard work he’d be doing. Ultimately, that’s what we decided to do. Before I knew it, Gage was getting a second round of Dysport injections and 3 weeks of intensive physical therapy were scheduled shortly after.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. With each new treatment, there are many unknowns, and I try to manage my expectations and not get my hopes up too high. Of course I want the best possible outcomes, but don’t want to be disappointed because of the measures of success I’ve built up in my head. So I tried to go into it with an open mind. I thought there wouldn’t be any harm in extra therapy, and I was fairly certain Gage would win over the PTs with his adorable personality, a hunch that proved to be right.

So for the last two and half weeks, each weekday morning the boys and I make our way to a pediatric therapy gym. I’m pretty sure Caleb thinks we’re there for his benefit. This place is like a kid’s dream, filled with toys, big mirrors and lots of open space. As soon as I set Caleb free from the captivity of his stroller, he takes off to find his favorite ball, flirt with the other therapists or try to make friends with other kids. Gage gets to start off with a good stretch or massage, all while watching his favorite You Tube videos! Caleb and I usually sneak away for part of the time so he can squeeze in a quick morning nap (he’s not quite ready to let that go, and I’m definitely not ready for him to) and Gage gets to work. While I’m away, I get picture updates via text and they never cease to amaze me because he looks SO BIG! Check out this stud!

arms straight — Look how straight those arms are!

bunge criss cross — Gage sitting criss cross applesauce with the help of a few bungee cords.

bench sit — Bench sitting all by himself!

I was hopeful that Gage would make progress over the weeks, and he has! But what I wasn’t expecting was the benefits I would get out of giving this a try. Those benefits have come in the form of new relationships with the therapists who work with Gage. He is lucky enough to get the expertise of 2 different therapists working with him for different parts of the week, and I’ve been extremely lucky as well to get to know these incredible women.

Companionship from Gage’s therapists is not new to me, as I had the privilege of connecting with all his First Step therapists while they worked in our home and truly loved and appreciated each one of them (and miss them dearly). But I’m always amazed at the way God gives us just what we need when we need it. In just a few short days, I felt like I had known these women for much longer. One is a new mom with an incredible heart and a contagious love for Jesus. The other is a special needs mom with the insight and understanding that comes from experience, and a wonderful example of a true advocate for her kid.

As Gage has gone through a few weeks of intense therapy, I’m reminded how intense God’s love is for his children. He always provides, always, whether by encouragement through old friendships and new connections, or the medical help and therapy my kid needs. Gage’s therapists push him to do repetitive stretches and exercises, building strength and reinforcing muscle memory. Perhaps God is giving me the same cues over and over again – constant reminders of the truth – that He’s got this. He’s in control and He will take care of us. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for me to let that sink in and trust in Him, but I’m grateful for the constant reminders of His intense love.

“May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.” 2 Thessalonians 3:5

October 11, 2017December 13, 2017

Freedom and Perspective

From the outside looking in, you might see our family’s situation and first and foremost, notice our limitations. Sure, there are some things that slow us down a bit. We have extra equipment to lug around, need to give a little more thought to planning meals on the go, and don’t have the option to just hold the boys’ hands while we cross the street. To some degree, we’re limited on where we live since school districts are a crucial consideration or what insurance plan we choose because of an extensive list of doctors we’d like to keep.

gage and evan

Something that may not occur to you at first, but I hope you’d be able to see if you look a little closer, is the freedom that comes along with our reality. Extra challenges in life tend to have a way of putting things into perspective. A change in perspective has helped free me from worries that used to bog me down. Things that seemed important to me at one point in my life have turned into trivial details.

These days, I’m free from the obsession to be a certain size or weight. My fitness level and waistline have varied over the years, but what I value now has more to do with how I feel than how I look. I want to be healthy so I can take care of my family, and I’m not trying to dismiss the importance of working out and eating right. But the feelings of failure each time I exceed a certain number of calories or don’t get in as many workouts as I planned are virtually gone.

Having a spotless house or the latest and greatest material things also seem less important now. Anyone who knows me well could tell you that house cleaning has never been a huge priority for me. But when I feel like ignoring dirty dishes for a bit so I can focus on reading bedtime stories to my boys instead, I don’t struggle with guilt over it. Deciding to stay home and give up a big chunk of our income also came with some sacrifices in our spending habits, but it was 100% worth it. A break from work responsibilities was just the shift in perspective I needed to learn to better manage stress.

Even though parenting a child with a disability can come along with limitations and challenges, it also offers a certain amount of freedom. Freedom from things like materialism and pressure to live up to certain standards. Freedom achieved through a different perspective. Freedom that I’m very grateful to have.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

October 4, 2017October 4, 2017

Look for the Helpers

My heart is heavy today. Perhaps it’s a feeling that’s been building—on a personal level, there are some daunting choices about Gage’s care, but in a global respect, the ways people’s lives are being wrecked by natural disasters like hurricanes and earthquakes is simply heartbreaking. And now, with the tragedy in Las Vegas this week, the floodgates have opened. It seems I can’t listen to the radio or watch news coverage on TV without bursting into tears. A choked up DJ reminded listeners this morning that it’s important to feel those feelings and not suppress them, so I’m letting the tears (and sobs) flow.

I just caught a short segment on The Today Show that quoted Mr. Rogers. I’ve heard it shared before, in the aftermath of other tragedies and in the midst of what seems like the worst of times. He says “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” This may offer a bit of comfort during tragic times, because it proves true over and over again. Disaster has a way of bringing out the best of people—people doing everything they can to get complete strangers to the hospital or coming out in droves to donate blood. But this important reminder from Mr. Rogers can apply in to our day to day lives as well.

It hit home for me, because although we face some unique challenges as a family – things others don’t typically have to deal with – we can also lean on an incredible support system. Sometimes our “helpers” are close friends and family, lending a hand or just an ear. Other times, help comes from complete strangers. I rely heavily on close girlfriends to make it through tough times. I got a chance to meet with a few of them over the weekend and we all shared from our hearts and lifted each other up—much needed and so refreshing. During our conversation, we talked about how when you look like you need help, people are more likely to help you. There’s no point in trying to pretend we’ve got it all together.

Twice a week, I’m on a college campus with my two boys for Gage’s feeding therapy. While I’d like to think I’ve got things totally under control, in reality I’m usually struggling to get Gage strapped safely into his chair, Caleb is wiggling out of my arms and I’m sporting sweat pants and a messy bun of unwashed hair. This is the norm for me, and nothing I get worked up about, but let’s face it…I look like a hot mess. Luckily, there are good people in the world and especially at Missouri State University! College students go out of their way to open doors for us and wait patiently for the extra time it takes for me to maneuver my boat of a stroller in and out of the building. Gage and Caleb almost always make new friends in the waiting room or hallways because friendly people are willing to share smiles or play peekaboo, rather than keep their noses stuck in a magazine or cell phone. It’s so heartening to witness compassion from others, even in the smallest ways. big stroller

When things seem bleak, whether in our own little world or on a national scale, let’s take Mr. Rogers advice and remember to look for the helpers. Help might be manifested in kindness from a stranger or support from friends, but I also know where my help ultimately comes from—an almighty God who’s in control and is constant in the midst of every challenge, struggle or tragedy we face. The verse speaking to my heart today comes from 2 Corinthians. It reminds me that God pours grace into our lives, and that we don’t need to pretend we’ve got it all together and everything is perfect. Instead we can boast about our weaknesses. It’s ok to look like we need help, but we also need to remember to look for the helpers.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9