Month: July 2018

So many challenges come with parenting and a lot of times we might be left feeling like we’re barely scraping by. It can seem like there aren’t enough hours in the day, or at least not enough energy to get through those hours. So many times at the end of the day, once the kids are finally in bed, I just want to collapse and ignore the messy house and dishes piled in the sink. And that’s often exactly what I do.

There’s no question that raising kids is hard, so I think we need to give ourselves a break sometimes and not be our own worst critics. But the thoughts of self-doubt still linger. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t have things figured out and I’m learning as I go. But I’d like to think that I’m doing my best. Giving all I can to my family to try to do what’s best for them. However, if I really let myself stop and think about it, I start to question, am I? Am I really doing my best? I know it certainly could be done better and I fall short in many ways.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve cared less and less about what other people think. Time spent worrying about other people’s impression of me and my parenting choices would be a waste. It’s one of the qualities I’ve always admired about Evan—that he doesn’t seem to care what others think. But it’s taken a lot longer for me to get to that point. Even if I’m able to quickly dismiss other’s opinions, I still have to face my own criticism.

I’m constantly questioning if I’m making the right choices for Gage. Or if I’m doing enough to help him. I hate feeling stuck in the middle of two choices without a clear feeling in either direction of what’s right. I also feel like there’s always more I could be doing for him, whether it’s making sure he gets enough calories, or enough activity or the right treatments and medications. And even now as I write this, I feel a hint of guilt that my focus is so much on Gage and start to question if I’m giving Caleb enough of what he needs. Caleb is ornery and gets away with a lot because sometimes I’m consumed with helping Gage, or distracted in other ways. I know Caleb has important needs too and I think finding the balance between taking good care of both my kids will get even trickier as they grow.

I was hesitant to write this because it seems pretty negative, and I don’t really have a positive spin to put on it and neatly wrap it up. But I think after writing some stuff down, I do feel a little better just getting it out there. I know I’ll never be the perfect mom, and I’ll screw up and maybe make some of the wrong choices or fail to do everything I could. But I also know I still have worth in spite of all that. I’ll keep leaning on God to help get me through and have faith that He has a plan for our family—one that’s better than I can even imagine.

Today I sat at my computer working and Caleb ran in for my help turning on his Beat Bow Wow toy. He said, “Help, Mommy. Thank you, Mommy. I love you, Mommy.” and then ran back to his bedroom to show the singing and dancing robot dog to his big brother. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched his cute little diapered butt hurry away and listened to the pitter patter of his bare feet head back down the hall.

Little moments like this make me feel like I’ve won the lottery. Those sweet little snippets bring me so much joy and remind me just how lucky I am to be where I’m at. I can take a deep breath and soak in the fact that I’m getting to do exactly what I want to be doing. It’s also these moments that I need to cling to when “living the dream” isn’t quite so joy-filled. There are plenty of days when I feel stretched thin and like I can’t do a good job of anything, whether it’s housework, work work, or mom work. I have some great kids, but the moments when I can enjoy them playing contently in their room together while I get work done are few and far between.

The summers between my college years, I spent working at a restaurant at the lake. One of the bartenders I worked with would almost always respond to a question about how he was doing with, “Oh, I’m just living the dream, man, living the dream.” I loved that response every single time. Some days, it almost seemed ironic, in the heat of a Missouri summer, on a busy weekend shift, behind the bar of a restaurant with no AC! But his response was consistent. Perhaps he was looking past the customers at the bar posing that question, and instead taking in the phenomenal lake front views with the sun shining on the water and beautiful tree covered bluffs. Life is all about perspective.

When I was working in the office after Gage was born, I longed so badly to be home with him. I get to now, along with his little brother, and I try really hard not to take that for granted. I’m grateful for the time I spent as a mom working outside the home because it gives me perspective I wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s not hard to think back to a few years ago when I was doing all I could to keep my head above water in every single area of my life and remember how badly I wanted to stay home. It was my dream, and it’s been realized. I mean it when I say that. But even with that being true, it doesn’t mean every day is a walk in the park.

I think we have a tendency to think of living the dream as having it made. As if we’ve arrived and things come easily from there on out. What I’m learning is that dreams are different than fairy tales. They are hard work, not just to attain, but to maintain. But when it’s what you truly desire, that work is worth it. It doesn’t mean that you’ll love every single part of it, but realizing that doing the hard stuff is what allows you to have the good stuff can help keep the joy alive.

I also realize that dreams can change with time or circumstances. I didn’t always want to be a stay-at-home mom. Even when I was pregnant with Gage, by no means was my heart completely set on that. But with our situation, it became the desire of my heart. Knowing how dreams evolve makes me anticipate new ones down the road and reinforces the idea that living the dream isn’t about reaching a final destination. It’s an active, changing, awesome, messy, hard, wonderful and joyful experience. I may not know now what shape my dreams will take in the future, or what role I’ll play in trying to do what’s best for my family. But my hope is that when I’m asked the question about how things are going, I’ll be able to consistently say, “oh, I’m just living the dream.”

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

Yesterday was spent celebrating a wonderful day. Gage turned 4 years old! It’s so hard to believe he’s already that old. Just one more year until kindergarten! Ahh! But I’m trying to just enjoy each day, living in the present and not feel sad about my boy growing up.

We started the day by singing happy birthday…let’s just say Gage didn’t love it. I guess Evan and I need to work on our singing skills. Next up, birthday cake for breakfast! Gage enjoyed some of the frosting, while Caleb dominated most of a whole piece of cake.

 

Although going out to eat is usually last on our list of fun things to do, we decided to attempt a birthday lunch at Lambert’s. Grandma and Grandpa Wingo joined us and the boys did great! More and more, I’m getting used to wheeling Gage’s chair into places and finding a way to make it work. All it took was moving a few chairs at the table to make more space. So he had a safe and comfortable place to sit and was entertained by all the decor, people, and of course, throwed rolls! Caleb loved it too and sampled bites from everyone’s plates.

After lunch, we kept heading south and visited Moonshine Beach at Table Rock Lake. I figured a beach vacation is not in the cards for us this summer, and wanted to give the boys a chance to experience sand and water to see how they’d do. I’m not gonna lie, it was kind of a rough start. We arrived to a huge crowd of people. I had mistakenly assumed a Tuesday wouldn’t be so busy. It was HOT and we had to change into swim gear and lather up in sunscreen. The boys weren’t thrilled about that part and Gage was getting overheated. I tried to get him in the water as quickly as possible, but he wasn’t happy by that point. A kind stranger saw our struggles and offered her tube to let him float on so he could get used to the water. I’m always encouraged by kindness extended to us when we’re out in public. But I hoped he would just need a little time and be ok, and I wanted to try out his birthday gift from Grandma and Grandpa Combs–an Otteroo neck floatie. So, with Evan’s help, we managed to get that on and positioned correctly, but not without Gage’s screams of protest.

There is almost always a moment of regret I feel with each outing like this. Just a hint, but thoughts that creep into my mind like, “This was a terrible idea. We should have just stayed home where it’s easy. Everything is harder and more work for us.” Luckily those brief moments of self-pity are overshadowed by happy memories when things turn around, and a valuable lesson that the extra effort is still worth it.

The further we got into the water, the more Gage started to enjoy himself. He especially loved when he was floating independently, and moved his legs around so much. He could even spin himself in a circle! It was great! Even Caleb, who’s not as big of a fan of water as his big brother, enjoyed bobbing around in his life jacket. When I looked around at the gorgeous scenery of the lake and glanced at each of my boys smiling faces, the trip was totally worth it.

We took a break from the water for a drink and a failed attempt at a family selfie. Luckily, we were that much closer to the car when the rain started. We scooped up our boys and gear as quickly as we could and ran to the car. The boys just giggled as they bounced around with rain drops hitting their faces. Even a sunny day cut short by a storm rolling in made for a fun memory.

We successfully wore the boys out and they both slept for most of the ride home. For Gage, a nap in the car is rare and a big deal…a little birthday gift for mom! It was a wonderful day just enjoying time together as a family.