I wrapped up last week’s post with a reminder of how important it is to cling to my faith during challenging times. Even as I typed the words, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. Lately, I’ve felt like I’m faking it. I can tell others how important faith is, but I tend to forget myself so very often. Or I feel like I’m putting on a front, but inside I’m lost and confused and hurting. And that hurt leads to questioning and doubting and feeling distant from God.
I recently re-read some of my journal entries from right after Gage’s birth. I 
was so in awe of God during those days and hours. I could feel the power of prayer working as I was falling more and more in love with my baby boy with each passing minute. I’m so grateful for those times of pure bliss, even in the midst of worry and fear. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But being reminded of them makes me wonder what changed. When did my faith start backsliding? When did I start moving in the wrong direction, further away from that close, loving relationship with my savior? The one who continues to meet our every need.
Luckily, even when I’m moving in the wrong direction, or just staying still, God never stops pursuing me. When I really stop to think about it and focus on all the good things in our lives, I can’t help but see the evidence of His love. A few months ago, I admitted to a couple friends my feelings of doubt. Then one morning, I had some time to myself while Gage was at therapy. As I was alone with my thoughts on a run, listening to a random selection of music on Pandora, it’s like God hand-picked the playlist for me. Each song was a perfect reminder that I needed at that time. So much so that when I got back to my car, I paused to write down each one so I would remember how I felt in that moment—loved by a God who cares about the intimate details of my life. My notes from that morning, much like my jumbled thoughts, are scattered and hard to understand. I’m sure I butchered these song titles, but I wrote these words down: Here’s My Heart, I Need You Every Hour, Come To Me, Set a Fire, I Want More, Lord I’m Ready Now, and I Will Rescue You.
I never want to be anything but genuine and authentic…in my life, in the words, thoughts and feelings I share here on this blog. But I also want to be positive, optimistic and hopeful, avoiding the negativity and depression that’s all too easy to succumb to. I want my joy and gratitude to be real. I don’t want to be “faking it.” But I also believe there is value in words of affirmation, even when you’re not feeling them 100%. Even with the doubts and questions still present. So I’ll keep declaring things like “Here’s My Heart, Lord” and confessing things like “Lord I Need You, Oh I Need You, Every Hour I Need You.” I’ll keep choosing to believe that I can come to God and he will rescue me. Even if I feel inadequate, I’ll keep sharing scripture that speaks to me, with the hope that it can help you too. And I’ll keep believing in the power of prayer, and keep letting peace wash over me, even when I can’t understand it.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4: 6-7
Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!” – Mark 9:24
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. – Jeremiah 29:11-13
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. – Isaiah 41:10