Sometimes when I’m nervous or stressed about something, I dream about it. It’s like my sub-conscious brain brings it to the forefront, even if I try to downplay it. A couple weeks ago, we had some important fundraising events for work, and beforehand I dreamed that they took place in my parents’ house in Tipton and no one showed up. Luckily that wasn’t the case. My dreams rarely make any sense.
Wednesday we’re headed to St. Louis Children’s Hospital to consult with a couple surgeons and talk about some options for Gage. I guess I’m nervous about it, even if I don’t want to admit it. Last night, I dreamed that the neurosurgeon recommended surgery for Gage, and then immediately moved him to the operating room to do it! I was panicking and making phone calls to explain what was happening, and kept thinking, “I wasn’t expecting surgery to be today! I thought this was just a consult!” Again, rarely do my dreams make sense.
Our first consultation tomorrow is a follow-up to an appointment we had back in the spring with Dr. Park, who performs Selective Dorsal Rhizotomy, or SDR. It’s a procedure to alleviate spasticity in lower extremities. When we saw him in March, after briefly observing Gage he decisively said that he would not recommend surgery at that time. He watched him take steps in his gait trainer and said he would need to work to develop those skills more first. 
He also suspected that Gage is battling not just spasticity but also dystonia, which is much harder to diagnose, and SDR would not help. At first, he asked us to come back in a year, but then said to come back in 6 months. He also mentioned the orthopedic surgeon he works with for his patients, Dr. Dobbs. I asked if at our 6 month follow up if we could also see Dr. Dobbs, so that’s what we’re doing. He performs a procedure known as PERCS which is a minimally invasive method for tendon lengthening.
To be perfectly honest, back in March when Dr. Park said surgery was a no-go, I was relieved! The idea of severing nerves and opening the spinal cord are so daunting and I was grateful the decision was made for me that we wouldn’t be doing it at that time. Of course I want to give Gage all the help we can, and if you’ve spent much time around him, he know how tight his muscles are. But I also just want him to be happy, and I love him just the way he is. I don’t want to put him through anything unless it’s necessary, or the risk is clearly worth it.
As we head back to talk to the same surgeon again, I’m not quite sure what to expect. Gage has made progress since March, but in subtle ways. I’m not sure there have been enough changes to make anything different from Dr. Park’s perspective. I’m really not even sure what to hope for. If surgery is suggested or recommended, whether it’s neurosurgery or orthopedic, that’s not something I get excited about. I guess I feel stuck in the same position we were six months ago, which I think of as the information gathering stage. I want to know what options are available to help Gage, but I don’t want to face the tough choices that come along with pursuing those options.
So, here we are…at a crossroads of not knowing what to expect or hope for. My efforts to try and figure out what to expect would be wasted. But I guess what I hope for is that our next steps will become clear to us and that no matter what choices we make, we’ll feel a peace about those decisions. While reflecting on how I feel about these appointments, and really getting down to what I hope for, I know that hope should be rooted in faith. While I’m feeling stuck and confused about what’s next, my faith is what I need to cling to. Faith that God is taking care of us and providing for us each step of the way. He gives us what we need to get through and keep moving forward, even as we face struggles and challenges.
“Faith is being sure of what we hope for. It is being certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1