Rare Occurrence

Sunday morning I woke up in Gage’s bed with my sweet boy snuggled up next to me. This is not a rare occurrence lately. He’ll often wake up in the middle of the night and the quickest way to get him (and myself) back to sleep is to climb into bed with him. He usually just wants to cuddle. What happened next after waking up that morning is less common though, thank God. Gage’s body was twitching in an unnatural way, not like his usual morning stretches. I rolled him over to look in his eyes, and they were gazing upward. He wasn’t totally “out of it” but also wasn’t responding to me repeating his name or making eye contact with me and flashing that sweet smile that he usually does when I get his attention.

I knew something was off, so I carried him into our bedroom and Evan woke up. We both tried to get his attention and watched helplessly as we witnessed our boy go through a seizure. Nothing was violent or life threatening, but the twitches and movements his body was making were definitely out of his control. Evan and I questioned if and when to administer emergency meds. We had them ready but decided not to give them because things were inconsistent and I guess mild? Nothing makes me feel quite as helpless as not knowing the best way to care for my kid.

I wasn’t sure if I’d write about this and share publicly. Gage has had 2 other seizures before and they’ve both become topics of a post. I hope I will never write another one because Gage never has another seizure. But my bigger fear is that the opposite will happen. I’m scared that the frequency will increase and as seizures happen more often, I’ll become desensitized and it won’t seem so out of the ordinary and something I need to write about. Gosh, I hope I’m wrong.

We consulted with Gage’s neurologist’s office and they recommended increasing his anti-seizure meds, so we’re getting that started. After some crankiness that morning and more sleep, Gage was his normal, happy self the rest of the day. Luckily we got to enjoy a nice, relaxing day together and with the rest of the fam. Caleb “helped” me make pancakes for breakfast. The boys and I took a dip in the pool while Evan worked on setting fence posts in the backyard. (Ok, maybe the day wasn’t exactly “relaxing” for the whole fam) Evan grilled and we all enjoyed family dinner together. Even though the day started out so unexpectedly, it was still filled with precious moments and joy, all in the midst of the simplicity of everyday life. I’ve got to keep my focus on those things, rather than letting fear take over.

They say “fear is a liar” and while that may be right, it doesn’t make the fear any less real. It doesn’t make it easier to see your child suffer. It doesn’t mean you stop asking the inevitable questions of “what if?” At the beginning of the year, I decided my word of the year, my focus, should be peace. I think of peace as the opposite of fear and I need that so desperately in my life. I know my peace comes from above and I’m so thankful for it. So many people in our lives keep Gage and his well-being in their prayers, but they do more than that. They also pray for peace for me and Evan and I truly feel it working.