Inadequate Advocate

This post has been brewing in my mind for a while. Trying to think of an appropriate title, several words came to mind—ill-equipped advocate, hesitant advocate—before I landed on inadequate. June is CMV Awareness Month. In the last year, my network of CMV parent connections has grown significantly. Granted, all of these new “friends” are virtual. But I’m so grateful for that group of people, even if they are just Facebook contacts. I really feel like I get to know them and their kids and love to watch the progress they make, and can also share their frustrations and struggles. Throughout this whole month, I’ve seen these other moms doing an awesome job of spreading awareness for CMV by sharing articles, videos, infographics and more.  With each post I feel so proud of these moms for being such awesome advocates. From time to time, I click share to pass the information along. But as proud as I feel of these other moms, I also feel a hint of guilt that I’m not doing more.

cmv awareness

Before the month started, I had big plans to create all the awareness! I imagined daily, or at least weekly, posts and contacting all my local news outlets with a story suggestion. But here we are in the final week of June and I’ve done so little. I think I struggle with the idea of being an advocate for a few different reasons, one being that I feel ill-equipped.

Sometimes I think the title of advocate gets thrust upon you, simply because you have a child with special needs. I’ve learned the value of sharing our story, so more and more I’m willing to open up. But I don’t necessarily set out with a goal in mind of how that information impacts others, I’m just trying to do what’s best for my kid. I’ll speak up for his needs because he can’t. I’ll “advocate” to get him additional help or try new treatments, but at times walk a fine line between looking out for his best interests and becoming angry and taking on a fighting mindset. But most of the time I’m as lost and confused as anyone and just trying to figure it out.

Another reason I struggle with CMV Awareness is because of the nature of the disease. I’m more than happy to preach about the methods for prevention like frequent hand washing and not kissing kids on the mouth during pregnancy. But I still struggle with the thought of “what if it’s not enough?” Even the most careful expectant mothers can have something go wrong. As much as we want to be in control of everything, that’s just not the way it works.prevent cmv

Ultimately, even though I struggle with insecurities and doubts, deep down I KNOW that awareness in and of itself is important and worthwhile. Although it’s rare, when I mention Gage’s diagnosis and the person I’m speaking to actually knows what CMV is, that’s huge. In a weird way, it’s comforting to me. Most people fall into the same group I did before having Gage—they’ve never heard of CMV. Even if I was an expert on CMV and knew all there was to know about it before Gage’s diagnosis, it wouldn’t have changed my struggles with the reality of having special needs child. That news would still be shocking and life changing. But maybe more prior knowledge could have alleviated some fear and questions. Then again, maybe not.

What I do believe is that the more we know and others know, the better. When people start to understand that CMV is common, maybe there will be more support for parents caring for these awesome kids. Without awareness, isolation and feelings of helplessness are all too real. So even though I haven’t done the awesome job of spreading awareness this month like I had planned, I hope that one day I’ll feel worthy of the title of advocate, without any qualifiers before it.

The Fight

Sometimes when I’m changing Caleb’s diaper, he wants none of it. He flips and flops and does everything he can to keep me from getting the job done. If we’re on the floor, sometimes he’ll wiggle away and take off running down the hall with an adorable little naked booty, giggling the whole way. Getting that kid dressed can be a fight. In the process of getting Gage dressed, the biggest fight is putting on his AFOs. There are times when I’m doing all I can to bend his knees and position his ankles correctly, all while wrestling with velcro and buckles. It’s a fight that happens fairly often. Sometimes the AFOs win. At least for a moment. I’ll throw them down in frustration and walk away. But inevitably come back and get the job done after I’ve had a second to breathe. I eventually get the job done with Caleb too and he isn’t running around naked all the time, although that is definitely his preference.

These “fights” to get my kids dressed have me thinking of other times when I gear myself up to be a fighter….on phone calls about incorrect hospital bills, requesting increased therapy time on Gage’s IEP, or trying to get his insurance coverage extended to continue the care he needs. What God’s been teaching me lately is that “going to battle” on these issues isn’t always the right way of dealing with them. I don’t want to feel angry, frustrated and offended all the time, or feel like that’s necessary to get things done for my kid.

What I’m learning is that other people or institutions are not the enemy. Our family has been blessed by the fact that everyone involved in Gage’s direct care has his best interest at heart. Of course that’s true of the amazing individuals who choose to have careers in caring, like teachers, therapists and doctors. When they have a chance to work with Gage and get to know him, he wins them over in no time with his charm. I’m so grateful for that. If only Gage could spend some time with the hospital and insurance customer service reps–then maybe they would fall in love and want to fight for him as much as I do.

Things tend to go the most smoothly when I remember to maintain a spirit of collaboration instead of taking on a “me versus them” attitude. We recently worked with the team at Gage’s school to increase his therapy time, which will start after Thanksgiving break. I went into that meeting thinking I would have to argue or really push for increased minutes, but was delighted by the fact that everyone seemed to be on the same page. It wasn’t a fight at all. Just a conversation about an awesome kid and what will help him the most. 

I’m trying to keep the faith that things will work out for Gage. I’m willing to fight to get him what he needs, but also need to remember that I’m not in control and that I can trust in my God who is. That doesn’t mean things will always be easy for us or we won’t face struggles. But perhaps it does mean that I can find a way to face those struggles without feeling angry all the time. Maybe, by the grace of God, I can replace feelings of hurt and frustration with gentleness, kindness and love.

“But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander,and filthy language from your lips.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” – Colossians 3:8 and 3:12

fruit of the spirit 

Intense

Gage is finishing up his third and final week of intensive physical therapy. I can’t believe how quickly 3 weeks have flown by, and Gage has been surprising me every day with his progress.

A few months ago, I asked our pediatrician to make a referral for therapy.  As we transitioned out of First Steps and were no longer receiving weekly therapies in our home, I thought anything extra we could do for Gage would be good. At an initial evaluation, the therapists started talking about intensive therapy. I assumed that meant 2 or 3 times a week. When they explained that it’s 3-4 weeks for 3 hours a day, 5 days a week, I think my jaw may have dropped!

The idea was totally new to me, and I was worried about trying to do too much. I told them I didn’t know how Gage could do school, feeding therapy and that much extra PT on top of it all, especially since he still needs an afternoon nap. They explained it might work best to take some time off school so Gage could use his best hours in the mornings for the hard work he’d be doing. Ultimately, that’s what we decided to do. Before I knew it, Gage was getting a second round of Dysport injections and 3 weeks of intensive physical therapy were scheduled shortly after.

I wasn’t sure what to expect. With each new treatment, there are many unknowns, and I try to manage my expectations and not get my hopes up too high. Of course I want the best possible outcomes, but don’t want to be disappointed because of the measures of success I’ve built up in my head. So I tried to go into it with an open mind. I thought there wouldn’t be any harm in extra therapy, and I was fairly certain Gage would win over the PTs with his adorable personality, a hunch that proved to be right.

So for the last two and half weeks, each weekday morning the boys and I make our way to a pediatric therapy gym. I’m pretty sure Caleb thinks we’re there for his benefit. This place is like a kid’s dream, filled with toys, big mirrors and lots of open space. As soon as I set Caleb free from the captivity of his stroller, he takes off to find his favorite ball, flirt with the other therapists or try to make friends with other kids. Gage gets to start off with a good stretch or massage, all while watching his favorite You Tube videos! Caleb and I usually sneak away for part of the time so he can squeeze in a quick morning nap (he’s not quite ready to let that go, and I’m definitely not ready for him to) and Gage gets to work. While I’m away, I get picture updates via text and they never cease to amaze me because he looks SO BIG! Check out this stud!

arms straight
Look how straight those arms are!
bunge criss cross
Gage sitting criss cross applesauce with the help of a few bungee cords.
bungee stand
Bungees for the win!
bench sit
Bench sitting all by himself!

I was hopeful that Gage would make progress over the weeks, and he has! But what I wasn’t expecting was the benefits I would get out of giving this a try. Those benefits have come in the form of new relationships with the therapists who work with Gage. He is lucky enough to get the expertise of 2 different therapists working with him for different parts of the week, and I’ve been extremely lucky as well to get to know these incredible women.

Companionship from Gage’s therapists is not new to me, as I had the privilege of connecting with all his First Step therapists while they worked in our home and truly loved and appreciated each one of them (and miss them dearly). But I’m always amazed at the way God gives us just what we need when we need it. In just a few short days, I felt like I had known these women for much longer. One is a new mom with an incredible heart and a contagious love for Jesus. The other is a special needs mom with the insight and understanding that comes from experience, and a wonderful example of a true advocate for her kid.

As Gage has gone through a few weeks of intense therapy, I’m reminded how intense God’s love is for his children. He always provides, always, whether by encouragement through old friendships and new connections, or the medical help and therapy my kid needs. Gage’s therapists push him to do repetitive stretches and exercises, building strength and reinforcing muscle memory. Perhaps God is giving me the same cues over and over again – constant reminders of the truth – that He’s got this. He’s in control and He will take care of us. I’m not sure why it’s so hard for me to let that sink in and trust in Him, but I’m grateful for the constant reminders of His intense love.

“May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.” 2 Thessalonians 3:5