In the last 3 years, I’ve felt overwhelmed more times than I can count. Before that statement causes you concern over my well-being, hear me out. Some of those feelings have of course been negative, when I’m overwhelmed with worry, indecision, or fear. Or when I have too many items on my to-do list and not enough hours in a day. But just as many times, I’ve been overwhelmed with joy by all the good things in my life—kindness and compassion shown by others, encouragement from friends, baby giggles and snuggles that accompany the realization that I’m doing exactly what I want to do.
Sometimes just our crazy schedule is enough to make me pause, take a deep breath and remind myself that we can do this. During this and last week alone, we have 10 appointments on our calendar. That’s only counting the things related to Gage’s care—PT, OT, Speech, doctor’s appointments, fittings for new orthotics, meet the teacher and more. I’m not gonna lie…it can feel like a lot. Luckily, some of those appointments take place in our own home. But in these couple weeks, those have been some of the most overwhelming, because they are our final sessions with our First Steps therapists. Goodbyes are never easy, especially when you’re bidding farewell to people who have been such an important part of your kiddo’s life for an extended time and the end of your visits is totally out of your control.
Another overwhelming appointment in this 2 week span was our annual review for The Next Step – a program to help connect families with resources once First Steps ends. I wasn’t expecting the meeting to be a big deal—just sign some papers and follow up on a few questions. And while it wasn’t a big deal, the review of Gage’s plan stirred up some buried emotions. Evaluations like this force us to acknowledge things we might not otherwise think about. We have to spell out all the things Gage can’t do, recount all the new challenges we’ve met in the last year and attach a dollar amount to therapies, equipment, etc. Let’s just say it’s not the most uplifting subject matter. This is all in an effort to justify getting Gage the help he needs now and down the road. So far our efforts have only left us jumping through hoops, filling out paperwork and waiting for answers. I firmly believe God will always take care of us and do my best not to worry, but focusing on all the unknowns the future holds can make that a challenge.
One of the big unknowns in our immediate future is how things will unfold at Gage’s new school. Tonight we had meet the teacher. I’ve been psyching myself up for the new school year and keep telling everyone how excited I am and how much I think Gage will enjoy it. I do think Gage will thrive there and I trust he will be well taken care of and loved by his teachers and therapists. I don’t question the level of competency or care, but I’m left longing for more information and transparency. I walked away from the night feeling sick to my stomach, with more questions than answers, which is not only overwhelming, but frustrating too.
I’m not trying to have a pity party for myself, just sharing the struggles we’ve
dealt with lately. But like I said at the beginning of this post, there have been just as many instances of feeling overwhelmed in a good way! One of the best examples of this is the amazing friends and family we have who are willing to step in and care for our kids. Last night, I got to enjoy a date night with my husband before his summer break ends, thanks to our awesome friends who watched the boys. On several occasions, friends have offered to babysit for us and although they might not even realize it, this is a HUGE act of kindness and means so much.
Seemingly small acts of kindness can also be the good kind of overwhelming. I won’t soon forget the mom that helped me load my groceries onto the conveyor belt at the store while I tried to soothe a crying baby and keep Gage from losing it. Or the stranger at the ball park who offered help after seeing me struggle to spread out a blanket, wearing Caleb in a carrier and pushing Gage in a stroller while Evan grabbed our snacks from the concession stand. Before I had kids, I always declined polite offers of help like these. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t want to burden anyone or maybe didn’t want to admit I needed help. Nowadays, my need for help is undeniable. I’ve embraced my dependence on other people and oddly there’s a certain amount of freedom in that. Saying “yes, that would be so great” instead of “oh it’s ok, I’ve got it” gives me the chance to be overwhelmed by kindness, whether it’s from close friends or complete strangers.
So even though I struggle and won’t just sugar coat things or plaster on a fake smile, when I really stop and think about it, I can’t deny how lucky I am. I have great kids who love me and have made me a better person. My support system is much larger than I deserve and far greater than most people get. I get to share my life with a man I love and respect and I actually like him and enjoy him too. 😉 And I get to be a stay-at-home mom and spend my days with my sweet babies. When I focus and reflect on all these things, I feel overwhelmingly blessed.