I read some advice from author Ann Voskamp today urging us, in this busy Christmas season, to “hush the worry.” I needed that reminder, but it’s so much easier said than done. Worry has been weighing on me lately. I want to just let it go, and let my faith be bigger than my fear, but I keep struggling to accomplish that. What I’m most worried about is the unknowns the future holds…in terms of insurance coverage and treatment options for Gage, possibly including surgical treatments. It seems like we’re at the tipping point of facing some big, important decisions and sometimes it can seem like too much.
I go back and forth between trying to learn all I can and be as informed as possible to be the best advocate possible for Gage, to just wanting to take a 
break from everything and relax and enjoy my sweet child just the way he is. I think I’d do better if I could find a healthy way to balance both. Enjoying Gage is easy and natural. But when I’m in information gathering mode, I tend to become obsessive about it and then get overwhelmed. There are so many options and opinions and it’s hard to know which direction to go. Having more knowledge is a good thing, but it doesn’t always lead to having any more clarity.
I think my obsession with knowing as much as possible is rooted in a need for control. Control that I know I don’t have. I realize I can’t control Gage’s outcomes. But if I can learn about treatment options, ask for advice from other moms, read about first-hand experiences, and know which doctors in which locations do which treatments, then at least I’m doing something. And for what? To be left with my head spinning, struggling to catch my breath, lying awake late at night or early in the morning when I can’t seem to turn off my brain.
As I’m writing now and being honest about these feelings, I’m also realizing how important it can be to just take a step back. To stop, take a breath, and soak up all the good things in my life. Last night as it got late and Evan was heading to bed, he found me sitting in the office reading over some paperwork for Gage. He said “why don’t you put that down and come to bed?” and it was like I couldn’t. I felt obligated to read it through (which I’ve already done) in preparation for a meeting today. As I responded that I just needed to finish it so I would “know what it says” my voice caught in my throat. In that moment, Evan could see what I needed. But my obsessive need for the illusion of control outweighed my better judgement.
I feel like a broken record saying how much I need constant reminders not to worry. How I have to keep learning the same lessons over and over…that God is faithful, that we’ll be taken care of, that sometimes the best thing it to just slow down and enjoy our lives. But I wanted to share in case you’re in need of a reminder like that too. Maybe you’re caught up in the busy holiday season and feeling stretched thin. Maybe work demands at the end of the year are especially stressful. Maybe you’re a mom searching for control and feeling like you’re coming up short. In the midst of it all, may we step back from the worry and remember all the good.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28